The thing about Japanese bureaucracy is that they never come out and say anything directly. They try so hard not to say anything you don’t want to hear that they manage to break bad news or a strict rule to you without really ever mentioning it at all. An example may go something like this:
First the powers that be lay out your options for you: for brevity’s sake, let’s call them Option A, Option B, and Option C. Of course, in any bureaucracy, there is always a preferred way of doing things, or an option that will be most beneficial to people other than you – let’s say, in this case, that option is Option A.
After laying out your options for you, the powers that be, which, again for brevity’s sake, I will hitherto refer to as Powers, will give you time to consider the options, secretly hoping you choose Option A of your own accord, thus avoiding all confrontation. This is the main goal of any self respecting bureaucracy in Japan: avoid confrontation at all costs. After all, it can be uncomfortable and downright unseemly at times.
Well, unfortunately for everyone involved, you prefer Option C to Option B, and Option B to Option A, which would mean Option A is your last choice. This is going to get sticky.
So, as it is with any decision making process, you enter a fact-gathering stage, in which you try to learn as much as possible about your options as possible, possible, possible. So you go into Powers’ office, and after exchanging pleasantries, you say, “What’s the deal with Option C? It sounds pretty cool.” but perhaps using much more pleasant language.
Powers looks down at the desk and shuffles a few papers around nervously. “Well, let’s see, Option C, is it? Hmmm… I don’t seem to have any information about Option C on hand. Have you gotten all the information about Option A? It’s really the most popular option.” After this first meeting you are left with no detectable information other than that Powers would prefer you choose Option A. But, as I said, this is your last choice, and it seems very unpleasant for you.
When Powers and the other powers realize it’s going to take a little facilitating to get you to choose Option A, they begin to systematically remove your options. A little while after your first meeting, they tell you Option C isn’t going to be possible any longer. And when I say ‘they “tell” you,’ I don’t mean they do so directly, of course – that would be absurd - instead they take whatever round-a-bout, back-channel ways they can so as not to do anything directly, directly.
So, having your favorite option taken off the table, you take another look at Option B and notice there are some factors that would make Option B quite acceptable to you as well. You do have a few questions, however, so you go back to Powers’ office.
“Hi, how are ya? How’s the wife and kids? Have they left you due to your cold, impersonal, and detached demeanor yet? No, well, OK then. Anyway, I had some questions about Option B…”
Powers doesn’t look well at all. Is that panic you see on his face as his eyes dart recklessly about looking for a response that would appease you without giving you what you want? “Err well, you see, the thing is” Powers says in a very official tone, “Yes, well, right now, you see- err- can you excuse me for a moment?”
As you wait for his return, you begin to wonder if there is anything anyone can ever tell you without deflecting the question and glossing over the answer completely. After a few minutes Powers returns with Assistant. Whether it’s a coincidence or not, you can’t help noticing Assistant is quite attractive. This is, of course, not always the case, but I would like it to be.
“Hello, Mr. Underling, it’s a pleasure to meet you. I understand you want some information about Option B?” she says.
“Yes, hi, um thank you. Well, yes, um - Actually…” You are a bit flustered as your eyes haven’t quite finished their quite involuntary once over her parts. “Originally, um, I was more interested in Option C. But, but I guess that’s not going to er- work out. Ahem. The pleasure is all mine, by the way. Ahem.” you say, as you can see, nervously clearing your throat.
“Oh, I see.” Assistant says, shooting Powers a sidelong glance, which he averts his eyes from. Assistant continues, very professionally I might add, which you find partly sexy and partly intimidating I might also add. “We are very sorry about that and will never speak of it again due to it being far too direct.” she says. “So now let’s discuss Option B. While I can’t give you any exact details, of course – that would be too easy and helpful and direct as well - I can tell you that Option A is quite clearly the best option for you. Most people in your position usually go that direction. Yes, Option A is very popular.” She looks at you with a challenge written in the corners of her mouth.
At this point you realize there was only one “option” to begin with, and as you would much rather avoid an unpleasant confrontation as well, you resign yourself to their will in, well, resignation. “Ahem, I see,” you say, before inexplicably thanking them and backing toward the door, bowing as you go. Bowing as you a go-go.
Of course you could have gotten angry – you could have expressed your distaste for the way they handled things – you could have jumped up on the desk and frantically sharpened all his pencils in an absurd outburst of some kind – but it wouldn’t have helped. It wouldn’t change anything. Due to mob mentality, backwards Japanese bureaucracy will continue to bang down the nails that stick out long after global warming actually becomes a real thing.
*This has just been one example, which by no means captures all of the subtle, and not so subtle, nuances of the indirect, avoid-confrontation-at-all-costs, Japanese way of doing things.
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